April 16, 2020

(“One Bad Man” is a parody of Jack Nicholson’s tirade in the courtroom scene from “A Few Good Men.”)

I eat breakfast a few hundred yards away from millions of Americans, who are trying to infect me. So don’t think for one second that you can come down here wearing a mask, and make me nervous.

Son, we live in a world that has risks, and I ignore those risks predicted by scientists with models. Who’s going to do it? You? Dr. Anthony Fauci? I have greater vulnerability than you can possible fathom. I lie everyday, and blame others. I have that luxury. I have the luxury of not knowing what you know. That a loss of even one individual, while tragic, probably makes me money. And that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, costs lives.

You want the truth because deep down, in places you can’t talk about at parties, you don’t want me at the podium. You don’t need me at the podium. You use words like honesty, transparency, competence, and leadership. You use those words as the backbone of a life defending something. You use them as a lifeline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the American flag that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I destroy it.

I’d suggest you just said “Thank You,” and went on your way. Otherwise, I’d suggest you diagnose yourself, and go to the emergency room. Either way, I don’t give a damn about what you think you are entitled to.

And, you’re damn right I ignored the Covid.

April 9, 2020

Who knew that so many of the people on television were coloring their hair? Slowly but surely, people are returning to their roots. The only people whose hair is not not changing is Donald Trump and Mike Pence. Kudos to Mike Pence for always going with the natural look, which begs the question, how does Trump keep his hair a flaxen yellow in the middle of a pandemic when the rest of us are going native? Hair dressing is considered non-essential by everyone except the President, who has actually commented on his hair in his press briefings.

Also, in this age of e-books and Kindle, who knew so many people had libraries. People are obviously proud of their books. Some of the libraries are modest, and some are over the top. Regardless, it is nice to see what people are reading. The only person on TV not seen in front of his library is Donald Trump. He may have a magazine rack somewhere but we haven’t seen that either. He could use the Library of Congress as a backdrop. Mr. President, show me your books and show me your roots, and, while you are it, cover your face.

April 8, 2020

On December 7, 1941, the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor, and thousands of Americans died. After several weeks of denying the advice of his experts that the attack actually happened, President Roosevelt immediately restricted all traffic from Japan. He overlooked the war that was currently being waged in Europe. He told the American public that the situation was well under control, and would soon go away. The Japanese didn’t like to fight in warm weather. He told America to relax because he was a wartime President.

Unfortunately, because of America’s reluctance to get involved in foreign entanglements and its preference for isolationism, FDR had defunded the Defense Department, and dismissed most of its leadership. “I got no quarrel with those Japs,” the President said. The United States had a critical shortage of guns, ammo, ships, planes, and everything else needed to confront the enemy. Roosevelt immediately blamed the media for blowing the attack way out of proportion. “We lose more babies to abortion every year than we did at Pearl Harbor,” Rosevelt said. “And, besides, who could have seen this coming?”

He then held a meeting with the Governors of the country to find out what they were doing to fight the Japanese. He told them that he had no responsibility in the crisis, but he would be there to backstop their efforts. The national stockpile of guns and bullets was his, not theirs, and they should go out and find their own munitions. He held daily Fireside Chats where, in addition to the media, he blamed his predecessor, GM, and the Defense Department amongst others. He lied about his response, and told Americans it would be over by Easter. His experts tried to correct him. He fired one of his Generals, who pleaded that his troops needed more ammunition.

He inexplicably refused to ask Congress for a declaration of war. “We’ll see what happens,” he said. “I have a gut feeling that the Japanese will go away miraculously.”

April 4, 2020

Now that millions of Americans are unemployed or furloughed, many people are coming to grips with the thought that this may be what retirement is like. I am sure most of them are not prepared to face the coming apocalypse. Speaking as someone who faced the abyss and survived, my suggestion is to embrace your free time and make the most of it.

Start an exercise program. Walk, run, bike. There are tons of yoga workouts on YouTube. Do anything that will give your heart a boost. The benefits are numerous. Weight loss, increased stamina, better cognition and memory, greater levels of happiness, youthfulness, and a longer life are all documented benefits. Embrace the torn tendons, sore muscles, and other contraindications.

Do you know who Marie Kondo is? Now may be the time. Check her out on NetFlix. You can use your time to clean out your garage, basement, attic, or closets. If anything were to happen to you, you certainly would not want your legacy to be the mess you left for your children. That would not bring them joy.

Try cooking. I trust you remember what that is. Believe it or not, there was a time decades ago when every family cooked every meal. Going out for dinner was a special occasion reserved for birthdays and anniversaries. Coincidentally, when everyone ate at home, we were all thinner. Maybe it was the smoking, but I don’t think so. Put your industrial strength stove and your over the top summer kitchen to good use.

I am trying to learn a foreign language. I have been struggling with Italian for a few years now. As I have discovered, osmosis is not effective strategy for learning. I have been trying to learn Italian, but, sadly, it looks like my best chance of using it is in the North End of Boston.

Try writing something using real prose. No emojis, no shortcuts, no acronyms. Write a letter to someone. Keep a diary of your coronavirus experiences for posterity. Write a letter to the editor. Write your own obituary. That will be a real wake up call.

Call everyone you know to see how they are doing. Reestablish relationships that have gone well beyond their expiration date. Call friends from high school, college, or former work colleagues. Call your relatives whether you like them or not. Don’t rely on social media to stay in touch.

Get a dog. They really don’t give a shit about what is going on. They only care about being fed and you. They need to be walked several times a day, which gives you something to do. See exercise above. Also, you will bump into your neighbors, who you may not know. Dogs can lick each other safely. You need to keep your distance.

I am sure there are plenty of other things you can do to wile away the time. Go to Hobby Lobby, clean your guns, drink heavily, post stupid right wing stuff on Facebook, or watch the Trump Show. Did you really think I would write an entire blog without a snide reference to Donald Trump and his base? This is what I am doing. Be safe.

April 3, 2020

“How do you know if exercise helped you to live longer?”

April 1, 2020

Trump: Google, how many countries are there?

Google: Who wants to know?

Trump: The President

Google: The President of which country, asshole?

Trump: The President of the United States

Google: Why are you asking me? Don’t you have a Secretary of State?

Trump: He’s busy fighting the coronavirus.

Google: How about your United Nations Ambassador?

Trump: Google, who is the UN Ambassador for the United States?

Google: WTF! Do you know how busy I am with all of the internet traffic because you fucked up and everyone has to stay home? Why do you need to know how many countries there are?

Trump: It will be a mic drop moment when I tell everyone at the next press briefing that I know how many countries there are.

Google: There are 151 countries

Trump: Wow! Who knew there were so many countries?

Google: Everyone does, dumb shit. They teach that in 4th grade.

Trump: Google, why are you so nasty and mean?

Google: I can’t believe you don’t have anything better to do.

Trump: No one will talk to me. They are all too busy with this coronavirus hoax. Google, is the coronavirus a hoax?

Google: You are the only hoax, douche bag.

Trump: Google, who’s on first?

Google: You really are a fucking idiot.

March 28, 2020

“If it wasn’t for the weather, Florida would have no reason to exist.”

March 21, 2020

“Just because you are in the kitchen doesn’t mean you are cooking.”