Category: Humor

Celebrity Christmas Birthdays

December 25, 2020

1. My father never worked in a coal mine, but he did in the movies.

2. “Here’s looking at you, kid.”

3. She asked “Why” am I “Walking on Broken Glass.”

4. “You are not welcome in my country. Merci beaucoup.”

5. I’m living “La Vida Loca”

6. I am the Hi-De-Ho man.

7. No countdown for me this year.

8. Frank Sinatra, Artie Shaw and Mickey Rooney thought I was Killer.

9. I have entered the Twilight Zone.

10. I am the greatest thief in the history of Major League Baseball.

11. I was a Raider and a Snake.

12. I was zonking before Gronk was Gronking. I was the full back on the last team to go undefeated in the National Football League.

Answers on Saturday

WHO

December 2, 2020

Donald Trump got himself out of the World Health Organization just in time. I don’t mean because they were hindering his rapid response to the coronavirus by disseminating medical information. The WHO just updated its guidelines for physical activity and sedentary behavior for 2020. The guidelines are not good news for Donald Trump.

All adults should undertake 150-300 minutes of moderate intensity, or 75-150 minutes of vigorous-intensity physical activity. Driving a golf cart was not categorized as activity, moderate or otherwise. However, walking across Lafayette Park after tear gassing peaceful protestors in order to military press a Bible does. Reducing sedentary behaviors is recommended across all groups. Tweeting is considered a sedentary behavior. Adults should undertake both aerobic and muscle strengthening activities. Strength training should be done three times per week. Lifting a Big Mac does not count.

In older individuals, physical activity prevents falls, and makes it easier to walk down ramps. Morbid obesity is a worldwide problem. It is a deadly disease that starts at the top. Following WHO guidelines is critical for losing and maintaining weight. The WHO states that people don’t need clearance from a doctor before beginning an exercise program much like Donald Trump doesn’t need a doctor to deal with the pandemic.

Trump got us out of the WHO before it could do too much harm. He probably saved us a few bucks in the process. As an added benefit, by ignoring WHO guidelines regarding exercise, we don’t have to feel guilty about not being able to go to the coronavirus-infested gyms he helped create.

West Wing Nut

November 21, 2020

As my family tries to muddle through social isolation like everyone else, we have taken to binge watching The West Wing. We missed it the first time around twenty years ago. This leads me to an episode I call “West Wing Nut.”

In the last episode of “West Wing Nut,” the mortally wounded and titanically flawed President bunkers down in the White House, depressed after his attempts at overturning a fair and decisive election have come to naught. His claims of vote rigging, fraud, corrupt public officials, and so on have not worked. He has invited election officials to Washington from several swing states in hopes they would decertify their results, but to no avail. He knows he has lost. Then, the President latches onto a monumentally evil idea. What if he could kill President-elect Joe Biden by giving him the coronavirus?

Trump decides to take a two prong approach to infecting Biden. The first is to infect those people closest to him. He hosts a series of super spreader events all over the country. He encourages attendees not to wear masks. He doesn’t care if anyone attending gets COVID. He is immune, and is strung out on steroids. He feels like Superman. His ultimate objective is to get the Secret Service sick, and he succeeds. Over 100 Secret Service agents contract the coronavirus, and it is only a matter of time before someone in Biden’s detail gets it. They will infect Biden, and that could be fatal.

The second approach is to make the White House a toxic waste dump of coronavirus to the point that it becomes virtually uninhabitable. He is willing to sacrifice his wife, two of his sons, and countless staff in the pursuit of leaving the virus anywhere and everywhere in the White House. Biden will move in, contract the virus, and die. Trump will then make a triumphant return, once again claiming that the election was stolen from him, and reassume the presidency.

The plan almost works except for his colossal stupidity. Don Jr. dies. Rudy Giuliani’s son dies as does Senator Chuck Grassley. He accuses them all of being losers. Joe Biden wears a mask, gets the first vaccination from Pfizer, and accidentally misappropriates Donald Trump’s dosage. Trump’s immunity wears off as does his hold on the American psyche. He is last seen at Mar-a-Lago having gained 100 pounds and playing golf by himself. Melania has divorced him, and he is estranged from his youngest son. He is broke and besieged by creditors and attorneys. There is no Trump Library, or USS Trump, or Trump elementary. No credible historian wants to write his story.

The end.

Rodney Dangerfield

September 13, 2020

I couldn’t get over how much Trump channels comedian Rodney Dangerfield at his pep rallies. He fancies himself as a stand-up comedian. Once again, Trump is going back to the “good old days” to make America great again. “What a crowd? What a crowd? I tell ya…I get no respect, no respect at all. The other day, I asked Melania why she never talks to me during sex? She said, “Next time, I’ll call you.” I get no respect” With apologies to Rodney Dangerfield, here are some other jokes that Trump could use.

I’ll tell ya, my wife and I don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless.

One night I came home. I figured I would be cool, and let my wife make the first move. She moved to Florida.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

Doctor, when I look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me? He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”

My psychiatrist told me to watch my lying. Now I lie in front of a mirror.

I come from a family of losers and suckers. In the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west.

I carry around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet.

One time I checked into a Trump Hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife.

I told my dentist my teeth were going yellow. He told me to wear a red tie.

My wife and I sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.