I have been sidelined as a part-time spin instructor. I don’t know if I will ever be able to return to the health club. In the meantime, here are some of my favorite fellow spin instructors.
1. Greta Garbo: “I want to be alone.” She walks in with her head down, doesn’t make eye contact, never says hello, and does not introduce herself before the class. She never addresses anyone by name, and never talks to anyone during the workout. Her motto is, “This class would be great if it wasn’t for the students.”
2. Kim Khardashian: It’s all about me. Her only purpose for leading the class is to get a good workout in before her next event. You are welcome to join her, but don’t get in her way. It is going to be a grueling workout with no water or rest breaks. God help you if you are new because you probably won’t be coming back.
3. “Cee-Lo Green: It is all about the music…the louder, the better. He fancies himself as the Aviici of the spinning set. He turns the bass up so high that what you think is your heart getting a workout is actually the bass crashing into your rib cage. He turns up the music so loud that you can’t hear what he is saying, which may be a benefit.
4. Sir Edmund Hillary: There is only one hand position, and one position only, and that is #3. It is climb, climb, climb. If you came for a cardiovascular workout, you are in the wrong place. Try the elliptical instead. Climbing is okay until you realize that his only purpose to the workout is to get himself ready for ski season.
5. Bill Murray: Everyday is Groundhog Day. He has been doing the same workout to the same music for years. It is a little bit like going to The Rocky Horror Picture Show where everyone lip syncs with the actors. He really doesn’t care if you follow along or not. The reality is you don’t really need him or his music.
6. The White Rabbit: “I’m late, I’m late…for a very important date.” She is never on time, and is never ready. Her microphone doesn’t work, she can’t figure out the music system, her bike is not set up, and she isn’t even dressed. If you need someone to help you set up your own bike, you are out of luck. You will have to ask the people around you, who probably know more about spinning than she does.
7. Retro Rick: All he plays is music from the 80’s and earlier because that is all he owns, and he is too cheap to subscribe to a music service. Worse than that, it is all the worst music from that period. Can you say “Jeremiah was a bullfrog?”
The Spin Doctor 