September 4, 2025
I walked into a bar (which sounds like the beginning of a joke,) and plopped down on a stool. I ordered my usual, Chivas Regal on the rocks, which I have been ordering for decades. It’s not a single malt, I know, but this was just another day. The gentleman next to me was drinking a Bud Light. By the way, why is drinking Bud Light like making love in a canoe? (My editor deleted the punch line.) I noticed that he had the letters T-R-U-M-P tattooed on his knuckles so I was trying to avoid any conversation. However, after two lip-loosening cocktails for me and four Bud Lights for him, we started talking.
“What’s up with the tattoos?”, I said. He responded, “They are there just to piss off guys like you.” “It’s working,” I said, “but why would you want to do that?” “It’s just a game I play, and you take the bait every time. Let me give you an example. After the recent mass shooting in Minneapolis, Pope Leo XIV called for an end to the “pandemic of arms, large and small.” I immediately blamed it on transgender, drug addicts. The “thoughts and prayers” and the “only a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun” slogans were getting tired. I know that mental illness is not the issue. I know that too many guns in the hands of too many people is the root cause of these mass shootings, but I love my guns, and I am not willing to give them up. Mass shootings are just collateral damage to my love affair with guns. It’s unfortunate, but, as the President said, it is what it is. Listen, I would rather give up my wife and my children than give up my guns. You might as well ask me to give up my dog.”
“I appreciate your candor,” I said. “Why don’t more MAGA types like you just come right out and say it.” He replied “We enjoy watching you guys spin yourselves into rhetorical knots trying to explain to us why we are wrong.
We know we are wrong. We just don’t care. Let me give you another example. Steven Miller says that the Democratic Party is a domestic, terror organization and that all Democrats are Communists. That’s crazy talk. No one believes that. No one believes that Mexicans are rapists. We know that crime in DC has actually gotten better, but you are missing the point. We are not fighting crime. We are fighting against people who don’t look like us. The fact of the matter is that I just don’t like black and brown people. This is a white, Christian nation, and that’s the way I like it. I don’t want these people voting; I don’t want them collecting Medicaid or SNAP benefits; I don’t want them practicing family planning; I don’t want them living where I live; and I don’t want to acknowledge their history. I don’t want them serving on the board of the Federal Reserve; I don’t want them in Congress; and I certainly don’t want them as Attorneys General and prosecutors. They are some of the worst mayors in the worst cities. God forbid another one becomes President. I think you get the point. If that makes me the “R” word, so be it.”
“Wow! That is really refreshing. You don’t mince words. Do other people like you feel the same way?” “They do,” he said. “When we get together, in private, we tell it like it is, but, when we are in public, we whitewash these arguments so we can claim plausible deniability. It’s a pain, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do.”
“Is there anything else I need to know?,” I said. “Well,” he replied, “of course you know that no one is above the law.” “Now there is something that we can both agree on,” I said. “You are so gullible,” he responded. “What we agree on is that the law applies to you. What we don’t agree on is that the law applies to me. We can do anything, and Trump will give us a get out of jail card, literally. Storm the Capitol, and try to overturn an election. No problem. Rig elections…kids stuff. FBI Director Kash Patel and Federal Housing Director Bill Pulte among others have used that line to justify launching investigations into Trump’s opponents. Have you heard enough?”
“Yes, more than enough, thank you. I have to say that you are the first, honest Republican I have met in years. Drinks are on me.”