Headlines

November 25, 2019

“Ukrainian Ambassador says President should be Hanged.”

The President claimed that Ukrainian Ambassador, Marie Yovanovitch, didn’t want to hang his picture in the US embassy. At this time, we cannot report if it is the same portrait that got the Trump Foundation fined and closed. Regardless, she said she was more than willing to hang the President. Additionally, she added, “Despite what the President is claiming, he is well hung.”

“Drug Deals Up 300% During Trump Administration”

Despite hundreds of miles of wall having been already completed on our southern border with Mexico, drug deals have escalated. John Bolton accused Rudy Giuliani and the three amigos (presumably Mexicans) of cooking up a drug deal. Devin Nunes accused Democrats of cooking up a drug deal. And, the attorney for disgraced Navy Seal, Eddie Gallagher, accused the Navy Department of cooking up a drug deal. Clearly, we have larger drug problems than just opioids.

“Graham Crackers”

Lindsey has decided to investigate Trump’s conspiracies regarding Ukraine, and, by extension, his long time friend, Joe Biden. Graham Crackers were invented in Northampton, MA, but will voters in South Carolina bite?

“The Woman Attacks Trump”

In case there was any doubt, Trump made it clear that it was a female ambassador, who attacked him in the impeachment hearings. There were so many witnesses, it wasn’t clear to the rest of us if it was a man or a woman. Thanks to the President, we now know it was, you know, the woman.

“Devin Dives In”

Devin Nunes, the ultimate patriot (not New England Patriot mercifully,) has taken the Ukraine investigation into his own hands by initiating meetings directly with Ukrainian officials. Nunes is someone we can all have trust in because he kept these very delicate conversations completely confidential.