December 9, 2021
“My fellow Patriots. We have a big game tonight against the Buffalo Bills. They are a good team, and we are playing in front of their fans, who are thirsty for Patriot blood. The weather will be brutal. The forecast is for bitter cold temperatures, wind gusts of up to 50 miles per hour, and snow. This will test our manhood. I will be right there with you. Let’s go out there and win one for New England.” Bill Belichick, coach of the New England Patriots, hoodie and all, led his team to victory.
“My fellow Rough Riders. Today, we will make an historic charge up San Juan Hill. If we prevail, we will win the Spanish-American War. I will be leading you on my horse, Texas. This will be the greatest day of my life.” Teddy Roosevelt led the Rough Riders up San Juan Hill and right into the Presidency.
“My fellow Israelites. The Egyptians have freed us from slavery, but they are coming for us once again. We are hemmed in by the Red Sea. I will part the waters, and lead you to safety before the chariots arrive. May God be with us.” Moses parted the waters, led his people to safety, and then drowned the Egyptians.
“My fellow Americans. You have to show strength, and you have to be strong. When you catch somebody in a fraud, you are allowed to go by very different rules. You will have an illegitimate president. That is what you will have, and we can’t let that happen. We are going to the Capitol to try and give them the kind of pride and boldness that they need to take back our country. So we’re going to, we’re going to walk down Pennsylvania Avenue. I love Pennsylvania Avenue. And we’re going to the Capitol. So let’s walk down Pennsylvania Avenue.” Trump never walked down Pennsylvania Avenue. He was driven back to the safety of the White House, and watched the insurrection on television.
The Spin Doctor 