April 29, 2026
Trump put his ballroom back in play after claiming that it was the only way to keep Presidents safe from the hostile, left-wing, fake media and Communist, violence-endorsing, gun-hating Democrats at future White House Correspondents’ Dinners. The National Trust for Historic Preservation is still saying not so fast, and a federal judge has stopped the construction pending Congressional approval, but the ballroom seems as inevitable as death and taxes.
In the spirit of the Parthenon built by the Athenians in 432 BCE as a monument to the gods, and Versailles built by Louis XIV, the Sun King, circa 1710, Trump is building what will be a historical and everlasting monument to his own ego and vanity. The New York Times called it “unscrutinized.” Architecture critics say it should be stopped as an offense to good taste. The problem becomes what do you with a 90,000 square foot edifice complex once it is built. Even though it should be razed, it’s seems like that would be a waste of the hundreds of millions of dollars that billionaires looking for favors have poured into it. Here are some possible appropriate uses for the space.
Trump sent in ICE to clean up the streets of Washington, D.C., but what do you with the thousands of criminals they rounded up? Let’s repurpose the Trump Ballroom (TB) into the Trump Immigration Detention Center (TIDCDC.) Rather than building detention centers in remote parts of the United States, the Department of Homeland Insecurity could probably squeeze 10,000 or more detainees into the TIDCDC.
Trump is constantly complaining about what a Democratic hell hole Washington, D.C. is. Homelessness is a problem. There are approximately five thousand homeless people in D.C. Despite recent federal efforts to clear encampments, homelessness remains a persistent issue with a high concentration among Black residents. We could turn the Trump Ballroom into the Trump Shelter for the Homeless (TSH.) It could also double as a walk-in drug clinic for all of the fentanyl addicts in D.C.
Or maybe it could be a school for the disabled like the people Trump likes to make fun of. You know, for people like Serge Kovaleski, the reporter who has arthrogryposis, a congenital condition that causes joint contractures, affecting the movement of his right arm and hand. Or for people dealing with dyslexia like Governor Gavin Newsom of California, who Trump likes to call “Newscum.” Clever. Trump told reporters in the Oval Office, “Honestly, I’m all for people with learning disabilities, but not for my president. I think a president should not have learning disabilities.”
Or it could be used to help veterans, who have been injured in war like the ones Trump famously wants out of the frame. Trump may hate these ideas, but it might earn him the much-coveted Nobel Peace Prize from the Norwegian Nobel Prize Committee. Pope Leo XIV might even confer sainthood on him.
Rather than putting the Trump Library in a bathroom in Mar-a-Lago, we could turn the Trump Ballroom into an actual public library, and call it the Trump Library (TL.) All of the books that Trump has read could have their own special shelf. The library would be free of any books referencing slavery, the Civil War, Jim Crow, freedom marches, the Civil Rights Act, DEI, or Barack Obama. Another good use for the space would be to create a museum of all of the great Americans that Trump has defamed…John McCain, Robert Mueller, any number of Supreme Court Justices, Obama, Clinton, Bush, Carter, Comey, Powell. And all of the women that he has insulted and abused… Hillary Clinton, Stormy Daniels, E. Jean Carroll, Kamala Harris, Nancy Pelosi, Elizabeth Warren, Carly Fiorina, Liz Cheney, Nikki Haley, Megyn Kelly, Mika Brzezinski, Katy Tur, Arianna Huffington, Maureen Dowd, Kaitlan Collins, Rosie O’Donnell, Heidi Cruz, Cher and Kim Kardashian among others.
Being the religious guy that he is, I don’t think Trump would object if we turned the Trump Ballroom into the Trump Christian Nationalist Mega Church (TCNMC.) Jerry Falwell, Jr. may be still looking for work after his sex scandal at Liberty University. Trump could get on his knees everyday, and thank god and the Supreme Court that he wasn’t in jail.
The TB could be a multi-purpose facility occupied by Planned Parenthood, PBS/NPR, and USAID. Lastly, it could be a home for wayward young girls where Trump could keep an eye on them from the Lincoln bedroom.