Executive Actions

January 24, 2025

By signing this executive order, I, Donald Trump, decree that I am the smartest, richest, most compassionate, best golfer, and best looking man throughout the land.

I also decree that, from this day forward, the scarecrow will have a PhD degree from MIT like my uncle to prove that he thinks deep thoughts; the Tin Man will receive one of my Trump commemorative watches in the shape of a heart; and the Cowardly Lion will receive a Presidential Medal of Freedom like Rush Limbaugh.

I order that the sky remains blue, the grass remains green, especially on my golf courses, and that the earth is flat. I have repealed the laws of gravity and thermodynamics as examples of over regulation.

I order that the national colors of the United States be changed to blood red and blood orange. I have appointed a commission headed by Melania to design a new, American flag with the “Make America Great Again” slogan festooned across it. There will be stars recognizing only the states that voted for me, and red and orange stripes representing however many original colonies there were, except for the ones that didn’t vote for me.

I declare that global warming is a hoax perpetrated by the media, pointy-headed academics from Harvard, Democrats, globalists, and the Jews. All thermometers must be recalibrated by the end of 2025 to show that the earth is not getting warmer. All robins arriving early will be rounded up by the migration service, and sent back to where they came from.

All students entering schools must exchange their cell phones for guns. We will have them in all sorts of fun sizes and colors. Any student accidentally shooting another student will get detention. Any student purposely shooting a teacher mentioning alternative lifestyles will get an A.

I decree that women will no longer have a place in our public life. They must be fired if working, discharged if serving, or arrested if voting. They will not be allowed to own property. In fact, they will be property. They will be issued drivers licenses for the sole purpose of driving children to soccer practice. Sexual assault and domestic abuse will no longer be considered crimes. Want an abortion? Fuhgeddaboudit. Happy Mother’s Day.

By executive action, I decree that January 6th will no longer be considered The Epiphany. Gaspar, Melchior and Balthasar will be expunged from all Christmas celebrations. January 6th will now be celebrated as the day that I rose from the dead thanks to our fellow patriots and hostages. On my website, you will be able to purchase special, commemorative items made from gold, frankincense and myrrh.

I declare that the state of California is a royal pain in the ass. They didn’t vote for me, and they are asking for a federal handout to repair the wreckage from the wildfires. If they had vacuumed the forest as I said, this never would have happened. I am going to work out the greatest deal of all time. Denmark gets California, and I get Greenland.

By executive order, I officially give up. I am going to let the states do everything so I can play even more golf than I was going to. If states have natural disasters, they can just ask other states for help. States will have the right to impose tariffs on each other. Each state will have a standing army. Texas will have to defend itself if Mexico decides it wants it back. Red states will have to support themselves without handouts from the federal government or blue states.

I hereby authorize the General Services Administration to erect statues by the Reflection Pool of some of my heroes like Hannibal Lechter, Roy Cohn, and Al Capone. I will also direct the GSA to erect a statue of me that will be bigger than the statue of Abraham Lincoln.

Just for fun, illegals from Colombia will be returned to Venezuela. Venezuelans will be sent to Panama, and so on. Maybe I will deport residents of Martha’s Vineyard to Nantucket, and residents of Nantucket to Martha’s Vineyard.