December 18, 2023
It’s the holiday season, and AAA tells us that Americans will drive a record number of miles this year while they are visiting family and friends, especially now that a gallon of gas is under $3 in many locations. With the increased mileage comes the mathematical certainty of more carnage on the highways. Maybe this is the American carnage that Trump was referring to in his inauguration speech? Regardless, here are some of my observations and tips on driving after decades behind the wheel.
Do not drive emotionally even if you get cut off, or the guy behind you is tailgating. That guy is probably hopped up on testosterone, and carrying a weapon to protect himself from people like you. He has enough hormones for the two of you.
Do not carry a gun in your vehicle. That makes you the other guy.
Be wary of anyone driving faster than you. They are out of control, and a crazed maniac. Conversely, anyone driving slower than you is a jammer, a nuisance, and a pox on society.
Always use your turn signals even though I have never seen anyone else use theirs. Most drivers confuse their brake lights with their turn signals even though their is no lever for brake lights on the steering column.
Be careful of anyone texting while they are driving, which is all too common these days. You know the ones. Their heads are down, they slow down in the passing lane, and they swerve out of their lane. It is very dangerous. However, I find that I can get a lot of work done if I text while I drive, but I do it safely.
Watch out for drivers cutting you off on the highway as they try to shift two lanes over, or try to make their missed exit. They are in a rush to get someplace they don’t want to be. These drivers are candidates for death row. However, I find that when I cut someone off, I do it deftly, which makes me a candidate for either NASCAR or Formula One.
Anyone using GPS is directionally- challenged. Real men don’t need GPS. I do use GPS, though, because I try to be a sensitive male willing to take directions from a female. Hey, Siri.
There are way too many vehicles on the road that are ecological disasters. All these people driving either a pick up truck or an SUV are climate-change deniers. No wonder why the Saudis love us. I drive a high-powered sports car, which is way cooler.
The merging of traffic is always a difficult activity fraught with peril and anger. Zippering is the best. I know that when I let some in, I feel like I should get the Citizen of the Year award. However, when someone lets me in, I think “wimp.”
Make sure you pay attention to the speed limit. Anyone other than you that gets pulled over by the State Troopers clearly had it coming. When I get pulled over, it is a major travesty of justice much like the Hobbs decision.
Obesity is a major, national health problem. The average American gains seven pounds during the holidays. Dieting isn’t working, and average people like Oprah are resorting to prescription drugs. All you have to do is visit any McDonald’s on the highway to see that this is true. I visit McDonald’s because I am a very busy traveler with miles to go before I sleep.
Lots of people are pulling trailers on their way to Grandma’s house. You might be a redneck if this is true. I pull a trailer because I am trying to connect with my inner Jack Kerouac.
Be mindful of trucks trying to pass you on the highway. This happens a lot on downhills, which gets them into position to block everyone else on the uphill. These truck drivers are just jerks with radar. When I pass a truck on the highway, I am just getting back at all of the bullies from middle school.
Drivers with license plates composed of lots of letters and numbers are losers. Drivers with low license numbers are preppies.
And lastly, anyone driving a pick up truck is a Trump Republican. You can usually tell by the Trump flags flying from everywhere, and the incredibly offensive bumper stickers. Democrats do drive pick up trucks, but that is because they are self-reliant, and the Subaru is in the shop.
The Spin Doctor 